Saturday, May 22, 2010


With the close of the 30 day Paleo Challenge, I think I've been over doing it with the indulgences. The past 3 days I've woken up with a bloated belly. Lethargy is a word that has become prominent in my mind. Like right now I feel really lazy. It's almost 10AM and I'm loafing around. Why do I feel guilty about it? I hardly loaf. (I like the word "loaf")

I do have 2 goals today: go through all my paperwork/mail on my desk and get rid of anything I don't need; and to do yesterday's WOD of 4 rounds of 400m run and 50 squats. I'll probably head out to the El Segundo High School track to do it. I don't have a stop watch so it won't be for time... which makes me wonder if it not timing myself will take out some urgency in my work, hmmm.

To the meat of what's on my mind... Charles leaves in about 10 days. It's pretty crazy. I know he's going through a lot of emotions about leaving. Feelings that I don't think he expected to encounter. He feels very alone, maybe a piece of him doesn't even want to go anymore. I was over at his place the other night and he seemed really lonely. I just had to pick something up and really just wanted to be in and out; when I tried to leave, he gave me this look and a slight whimper, so I stayed. I don't think he has a friends that he can really be vulnerable with except for me. I sensed his heart was heavy so I pressed him to speak his mind. Charles immediately starts crying. It moved me greatly, so I wrapped my arms around him and just let him cry as I held him.

I think it takes a lot for a man to put aside his bravado and be in a fragile state, so I was very aware of how tender I needed to be with him at that moment; to really listen and try to understand what he's battling with, to validate his emotions and lead him to make his own decisions. Every fear and apprehension he shared with me was something I expected to hear. I prophesied that he would be dealing with these emotions as he got closer to leaving about a year ago, when we started having debates about his sabbatical. I would "accuse" him of not really thinking his plan through, that he was going into it with naive eyes. Of course, Charles would be defensive and accuse of being a sheltered city girl, who lives in a capitalist bubble with no desire to know what is outside of myself. This was what we fought about constantly... rooted mainly in his arrogance that he thinks he's the only one with worldly views.

(I was telling Crose that Charles and I never fought about basic relationship pettiness, like jealousy [what's the point?], our arguments had to do with morals, ethics, world views, spirituality, right/wrong--- meaty, conscientious topics that were more theory, than anything purely concrete. I don't know what that says about us, but it I think we were more evolved and highly aware about our roles in the universe. Insightful is the word.)

I don't have any sympathies towards Charles' feelings of fear and self-doubt. I think this is a piece of humble pie that he needs to swallow.  As always I will be there to "hold him up" as his best friend, but I will not try to salve his wounds with words of comfort. My opinion is to face your emotions head on, let them wash over you, embrace the feeling and allow them to pass in their own time. It will temper your heart and soul to experience feelings of discomfort. It is necessary for growth. 

Enough about what he's going through, but what am I feeling of this transition?  As separate as I am from him and the emotions of "missing" him, I am having my own metamorphosis that will be at completion with Charles' departure. I feel that when I see him off, it will be just what I need to move on, move forward with my own life. Even though my loving/romantic feelings have waned to non-existent, there is just something that keeps me from really being open to dating other men. Maybe that Charles represents safety, comfort, kind of like "home," and that when the idea of getting to know a whole knew person, investing time and emotion, it seems all for naught--- just tiring with no guarantees. So I rely upon my "Old Yeller," Charles for my male companionship. And it's just companionship, no underlying current of sexual tension, whatsoever.... You know how I know I'd never go there, because a couple months back, I smelled him and his body chemistry just repulsed me. It's the same smell I use to bath in night-in, night-out that now every fiber in my body rejects. 

As we lead up to his venture and my liberation, I know that he desires to spend a lot of time with me. All next week he has plans for us during the day. Friday is his going away party. Saturday I leave for Boston/NY. I will be back on Tuesday... Charles even worked it out that he would stay in LA one more day to make sure he sees me one last time (he was suppose to leave that Tuesday which meant we'd miss each other). I will give him what he needs, because it is EASY to.

On June 3rd, I will awake and see if I feel any different.

Charles and I had a good run at it. On to the next one.

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