I am ready

"Mini JT"

12-9-6 reps NOT for time of:

Handstand Pushups

Ring Dips

Pushups

Rest as needed, then

"Annie"

50-40-30-20-10 reps for time of:

Double Unders

Situps

New PR by 1:02!!!!

While i'm super stoked about my PR I can't help but think if I had not messed up like 5 time during my 40 round I would have at least done a minute better... Aaaaaand, this is not to talk shit buuuuuut I should not have jumped rope next to Viola, whom was frantically/spasmatically Double Undering, which really fucked up my "calm" that I need to get into a groove. I really had to concentrate on not absorbing his energy and tune him out. 

My sit ups were lightening fast. I know that Smidty started his 50 set about 5 seconds fast than I, yet I managed to finish about 5 seconds faster than he. I didn't take a calculated rest at this point and went straight into my 40 set of DUs, and failed several times. I then took a deep breath and told myself to relax. 

Rounds 30-20 and 10 were without incident. 

So I worked out 3 days in a row and I am so sore. My body is pretty beat down. I plan to take the next couple of days, probably go a back in on Sunday. 

I'm strangely calm. I got some very good "advice" and comfort from close friends. It has me refocused and serene about what I have to do. 

Visage

"A soulmate is someone who has locks that fit our keys, and keys to fit our locks. When we feel safe enough to open the locks, our truest selves step out and we can be completely and honestly who we are; we can be loved for who we are and not for who we're pretending to be. Each unveils the best part of the other. ....Our soulmate is the one who makes life come to life."


~Richard Bach

Blessings

I’ve been 30 years old for, oh, about 9 hours now and the desire to nest and have a baby has really gone into over drive. It wasn’t but 24 hours ago I was singing the praises of the many forms of the opposite sex. And now, the biological drive for monogamy and procreating is pulsing through my veins. I’m tired of trying to control any of it.  With modern medicine, I could have children way into my 40s. But would I want to be in my 40s with young children?  Oy.

Today is the day of my birth, the day I took my own first breath. Well, maybe not. I was born with complications; I think I was put on a respirator. I overcame a lot to be here today, says my mother. Statistically, I should have perished. 

I’m in a lovely place in my life. I’m actually at a bend in my road, but I’m excited for what ‘s to come. I don’t know what that is quite yet, but the mystery has me intrigued. I know what I want, but I’m also open to what I don’t know what I want… yet :D

So my party was fun. That’s what the attendees say. What do I think? I don’t really have a feeling about it. I’m sad that I passed out in the middle of it. I guess the shots hit me hard. And the champagne, and the rum, and the sake.  I wish I had more of my own memories and recollections. I have been piecing my night together by what others have told me. I feel really blessed that so many of my old and new friends were able to be present. I wish Carla’s “driver” didn’t get tired and she could have stayed longer, like she has done in my birthday’s past. I felt like she wanted to stay.

I’m glad Alice and Eddie had a good time. They are soooo keen.

Marissa and Cher. They are good together.

And of course new Crossft friends. What can I say? I’m so lucky. I really am. To have found true friends this “late” life.  Not every one of them has pure hearts, but they all act with good-heartedness. I’m perplexed that Patrick didn’t show up. I figure he’s going through some healing. Or he’s back with Olivia and is ashamed to share it with me since I told him my piece of mind of how I think she’s “abusing” him. You don’t break up with someone to figure out if you want to be with him or her. Maybe when you’re like in college and there are many dating options out there. Which kind of brings me to the conclusion that maybe she had another suitor in the wings. One only acts with 2 motivators: FEAR or LOVE. And she’s obviously acting in fear. I know Patrick believes he loves her (or at least loves what he knows of her) and wants to give her her chances… but I don’t feel good about how she is hot and cold with him. It’s a cycle of abuse.

If you truly, truly care about someone, you are present and available; you don’t pull away to figure it out. I was just having this conversation with C-rose.  Both of us are traditional women, with traditional values. The men lead. If a man is interested in getting to know you, he will “rise to the top;” he will seek you out, and desire your companionship.  Once the lead is established, it is then the lady’s turn to reciprocate, if it so moves her.  The dance of courtship is a complicated one. I don’t have it figured out by any means. I have my values and I’m steadfast in them.  I know my worth. I will not settle.

Zeb and I were talking about what we’re attracted to in the opposite sex, and his response was, “I don’t get to choose. I don’t know whom I’m going to be attracted to until I meet that person.” It was simple yet insightful. And he’s right.  I’ve never chosen whom I’ve had that energy with. You just lock eyes and know.  It’s an amazing phenomenon. Those feelings in the pit of your stomach, the headiness,  that floaty feeling; all the things going around you seem to blur as your attention is locked into that one person.  Your pupils dilate, your mouth opens slightly, as you catch your breath. Those feelings, chemical and biological reactions, are so strong that sometimes you can’t look into their eyes cause it’s too much.


If they look into my eyes they will betray me and reveal all that I’m feeling.

I’m still a romantic at heart. 

Consequences

With the close of the 30 day Paleo Challenge, I think I've been over doing it with the indulgences. The past 3 days I've woken up with a bloated belly. Lethargy is a word that has become prominent in my mind. Like right now I feel really lazy. It's almost 10AM and I'm loafing around. Why do I feel guilty about it? I hardly loaf. (I like the word "loaf")

I do have 2 goals today: go through all my paperwork/mail on my desk and get rid of anything I don't need; and to do yesterday's WOD of 4 rounds of 400m run and 50 squats. I'll probably head out to the El Segundo High School track to do it. I don't have a stop watch so it won't be for time... which makes me wonder if it not timing myself will take out some urgency in my work, hmmm.

To the meat of what's on my mind... Charles leaves in about 10 days. It's pretty crazy. I know he's going through a lot of emotions about leaving. Feelings that I don't think he expected to encounter. He feels very alone, maybe a piece of him doesn't even want to go anymore. I was over at his place the other night and he seemed really lonely. I just had to pick something up and really just wanted to be in and out; when I tried to leave, he gave me this look and a slight whimper, so I stayed. I don't think he has a friends that he can really be vulnerable with except for me. I sensed his heart was heavy so I pressed him to speak his mind. Charles immediately starts crying. It moved me greatly, so I wrapped my arms around him and just let him cry as I held him.

I think it takes a lot for a man to put aside his bravado and be in a fragile state, so I was very aware of how tender I needed to be with him at that moment; to really listen and try to understand what he's battling with, to validate his emotions and lead him to make his own decisions. Every fear and apprehension he shared with me was something I expected to hear. I prophesied that he would be dealing with these emotions as he got closer to leaving about a year ago, when we started having debates about his sabbatical. I would "accuse" him of not really thinking his plan through, that he was going into it with naive eyes. Of course, Charles would be defensive and accuse of being a sheltered city girl, who lives in a capitalist bubble with no desire to know what is outside of myself. This was what we fought about constantly... rooted mainly in his arrogance that he thinks he's the only one with worldly views.

(I was telling Crose that Charles and I never fought about basic relationship pettiness, like jealousy [what's the point?], our arguments had to do with morals, ethics, world views, spirituality, right/wrong--- meaty, conscientious topics that were more theory, than anything purely concrete. I don't know what that says about us, but it I think we were more evolved and highly aware about our roles in the universe. Insightful is the word.)

I don't have any sympathies towards Charles' feelings of fear and self-doubt. I think this is a piece of humble pie that he needs to swallow.  As always I will be there to "hold him up" as his best friend, but I will not try to salve his wounds with words of comfort. My opinion is to face your emotions head on, let them wash over you, embrace the feeling and allow them to pass in their own time. It will temper your heart and soul to experience feelings of discomfort. It is necessary for growth. 


Enough about what he's going through, but what am I feeling of this transition?  As separate as I am from him and the emotions of "missing" him, I am having my own metamorphosis that will be at completion with Charles' departure. I feel that when I see him off, it will be just what I need to move on, move forward with my own life. Even though my loving/romantic feelings have waned to non-existent, there is just something that keeps me from really being open to dating other men. Maybe that Charles represents safety, comfort, kind of like "home," and that when the idea of getting to know a whole knew person, investing time and emotion, it seems all for naught--- just tiring with no guarantees. So I rely upon my "Old Yeller," Charles for my male companionship. And it's just companionship, no underlying current of sexual tension, whatsoever.... You know how I know I'd never go there, because a couple months back, I smelled him and his body chemistry just repulsed me. It's the same smell I use to bath in night-in, night-out that now every fiber in my body rejects. 


As we lead up to his venture and my liberation, I know that he desires to spend a lot of time with me. All next week he has plans for us during the day. Friday is his going away party. Saturday I leave for Boston/NY. I will be back on Tuesday... Charles even worked it out that he would stay in LA one more day to make sure he sees me one last time (he was suppose to leave that Tuesday which meant we'd miss each other). I will give him what he needs, because it is EASY to.

On June 3rd, I will awake and see if I feel any different.

Charles and I had a good run at it. On to the next one.