3rds for time of:

30 Overhead Squats (95/65) 55#

100 Double Unders

My Time: 44:04

This was very humbling. I definitely went heavy with the OHS. 2nd round was horrible. Somewhere in the middle of the squats I got that lump in my throat and my eyes started to well up with tears... I felt defeated. I had to get a grip. Soon thereafter, I lost a lift, and was spit out from right under the bar, and landed flat on my ass. I got up, cleaned the bar and immediately went right under it again. The thing that kept me going was just that I wanted to finish IT! 

Soooo since my wrists were being soooo taxed under the bar, it really affected my double unders. I was getting upset cause my wrists just would not turn. AT ALL. Like no control over them. I was cursing, getting really frustrated. 

After calling time, i collapsed on my knees. After being stuck in that position for a couple minutes, I had a strong desire to puke. I got up and made beeline outside and fell on my knees again. My stomach just started to cramp and convulse inside. I just dry heaved for the next 15 minutes with intervals of flat on my back. I tasted lunch for the 2nd time in my mouth. I was breathing heavy and sweaty. It was really attractive. 

So I almost cried aaaaaaaaand almost threw up. Ya, this WOD was a winner!

Mind fuck

5 Rounds for time of:

400 meter run

95/65 lb Overhead Squat, 15 reps

Austin Malleolo 10:16,  Karianne Dickson 11:50 (65lbs)

Scale Version A:  Lower weight

Scale Version B: 3 rounds

This work out got inside me and bullied me. My head arriving in the box was distant and tired. I woke up early to receive delivery of my dining table but they ended up pushing back the delivery to 2PM, making me the opportunity to have a full 8 hours of sleep. 

Just 3 days ago I set a new OHS PR of 60#s. I decided I wanted to go heavy (@ 3 rounds), which meant for me 90% of my PR weight. For warm up Zeb said it would be good idea to load up heavier than your WOD weight for a couple of attempts so that when the WOD started your bar would feel light. 

I decided to attempt 65#s for a new PR. Well I did it! I'm overhead squatting 65% of my body weight. Woo hoo!

3-2-1 Go! we start on the run, which was fine. All 3-400 meters were fine. I was slow, but I wanted to conserve energy for my squats. 

All 3 rounds of OHSs were very challenging for me. Round 1 I broke them up in sets of 5. Round 2 I dump the bar a couple of times, barely able to hit sets of 5, just knockin' out what I could. Round 3, I knew I was gassed. My first attempt had me submitting to the bar's weight and I was laying on my back. It really psyched me out. I C&J the bar and locked out my arms. My mid-line felt really wobbly. It took me almost 30 seconds to get my feet planted. I took a deep breath, and started my slow descend into a squat- I did 5, then 3. On my 4th attempt,  I could feel my arms want to give out, I started to waiver, my bar coming out of the frontal plane; I tried to pull my arms back but it was too much, I dumped the bar and fell on my ass again. At this point my frustration came to head and I felt tears coming down my face. I was sooo tired, unsure if I had it in me. I only had 7 more to do. Setting up in front of the bar was the most intimidating thing I've felt in a really long time. 

I knew it was all in my fuckin' head. Zeb was right there talking me through it. He knew where my head was at. He reassured me that my body is completely able to lift and squat that weight, that I should not doubt it. I don't know how, but I got through my last 7 reps. I felt really alone those last moments. 

The mind is so strong. I'm relieved I got through it. I wanted it bad though. I was pissed that I retreated to fear. But not for a second did I think that I was going to give up. Look at my time, almost 25 mins... mostly of me fighting off the "I can't's" in my head...

I think it's good to have WOD experiences like this one every now and again. It's humbling and terrifying all at the same. It reminds me why I keep coming back and wanting to do more, faster and better. 

OHS you will be my bitch one day. 

More is.... MORE!

Complete as many rounds as possible in seven minutes of:

7 Deadlifts

20 meter Sprint

14 One legged squats

21 Double-unders

20 meter Sprint

I'm stoked. I know I should base my personal gains by comparing myself to what others put on the board, but isn't that the point of the board? Por ejemplo, I think that Jaime is way more advanced than me in many areas, and I exceeded her score... Granted, I don't know how she scaled the WOD, but knowing I got more work done in the same amount of time makes me feel good that I could keep with someone I feel is farther along in her fitness journey. 

I did 105#s (which I wanted to do more, but Zeb told me to take easy) and I used a small box to do my pistols. The box was beneath my butt to catch me if I fell, which I did. From the seated position I still had to extend one leg out and stand straight up off of one leg; it was difficult. Double Unders are definitely my nemesis--- for now! I'm still doing that extra hop between each DU. G thinks it's now ingrained in my brain, like I've made a neurological pathway that now has to be broken and taught to do a DU w/o the hop. If I had DUs down I'd have easily 4 rounds in 7 mins for this WOD. 

Today was a good day, not just in the box, but also at Dreamworks. I was called in to do a catering. I love the crew there. I think I say that every time I finish a shift. It's not work. John really wants to go to Animal in the next week or so. Excited about that. And he has a job lead that is temporary; an independent QA inspector whom runs her consult business was hired by Kaiser Hospital to do an overhaul of their facility.  Tomorrow I've got to shoot my resume over to him to forward to the DM. 

Plus, I have to haul ass to San Gabriel Valley to murder a guy named Steve, who may have cost me several thousand dollars in earnings in my stock portfolio. Like really. I've fired that entire office. There is a way to rectify the offices boo-boo hopefully... I don't want to think about it cause it will get me all hot and bothered. *Serenity now, serenity now, serenity now* Ahhh. 

Time to think of nothing. 

It's all coming back to me now

It came true. What I put out in the universe almost a decade earlier: I finally had a savory seat mate on the plane. A man about my age, well dressed, of pleasing countenance, and fine manner-- Australian accent to boot! For once, it wasn't a morbidly obese, aged person with tuberculous lungs, and an overactive bladder. Or the other quality specimen embodied by a 6 year old boy with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder,  and Tourette''s syndrome, his favorite word being anal... It was quite refreshing really; the plane ride felt very sophisticated and adult. I'm sure it will never happen again.

Shit I lost in my recent travels: my favorite hat, 1 diamond solitaire earring (I think I'm going to reset the diamond of the present earring into a pendant), 1 sterling silver hoop earring.  I know it's just stuff. And stuff is, well, stuff, but my hat, I loved.

A moment of silence for my hat. 

Charles has left LA.  I've written so much about him and us in the past, that I've actually have run out of words. And that's ok. 

Tara got married. To Thomas Carter. She is now "Terra Cotta." The wedding was so Tara. It was perfect. 

Dominique Dona Mazzara is simply exquisite. Every part of her tiny little body was crafted by God. I am grateful that I got to experience her at this age of 1 month. 

New York was doing her best to not let me leave her (again and again, and over and over...). I drove from Boston to Shirley, NY, about 275 miles without incident. On the morning of my flight to LA, about 100 yards from the JFK exit, a car pulls in front of me and abruptly stop. I don't. Stop. You get it. No one was hurt, I made my flight. But I can't help but think of all the other times I tried to leave NY and she fiercely tried to deny me exit. Or maybe it's just Southern State Pkwy/Belt Parkway.

The Universe has surprised me again. I think my detractors got their karma, and I, in turn, have been rewarded mine. I am grateful and humble. I think I need to stop doubting that I'm the power of my Universe. 

I really want to do 75 power snatches tomorrow. I'll be working well into the evening and it's game one of the Championship series between Lake-show and old rivals the Celtics. The Lakers win out over snatching. Lakers just win. There, I've set it free into the world.. and I'm sure it will come back to me, just like all the other intentions I've put out in the Universe. 

"Let's Go Lakers!" 

This I am

fool 

Pronunciation: \ˈfül\

Function: noun

A person deficient in intellect; one who acts absurdly, or pursues a course contrary to the dictates of wisdom; one without judgment; a simpleton; a dolt

I'm embarrassed by my own fodder. I am humbled. 

Consequences

With the close of the 30 day Paleo Challenge, I think I've been over doing it with the indulgences. The past 3 days I've woken up with a bloated belly. Lethargy is a word that has become prominent in my mind. Like right now I feel really lazy. It's almost 10AM and I'm loafing around. Why do I feel guilty about it? I hardly loaf. (I like the word "loaf")

I do have 2 goals today: go through all my paperwork/mail on my desk and get rid of anything I don't need; and to do yesterday's WOD of 4 rounds of 400m run and 50 squats. I'll probably head out to the El Segundo High School track to do it. I don't have a stop watch so it won't be for time... which makes me wonder if it not timing myself will take out some urgency in my work, hmmm.

To the meat of what's on my mind... Charles leaves in about 10 days. It's pretty crazy. I know he's going through a lot of emotions about leaving. Feelings that I don't think he expected to encounter. He feels very alone, maybe a piece of him doesn't even want to go anymore. I was over at his place the other night and he seemed really lonely. I just had to pick something up and really just wanted to be in and out; when I tried to leave, he gave me this look and a slight whimper, so I stayed. I don't think he has a friends that he can really be vulnerable with except for me. I sensed his heart was heavy so I pressed him to speak his mind. Charles immediately starts crying. It moved me greatly, so I wrapped my arms around him and just let him cry as I held him.

I think it takes a lot for a man to put aside his bravado and be in a fragile state, so I was very aware of how tender I needed to be with him at that moment; to really listen and try to understand what he's battling with, to validate his emotions and lead him to make his own decisions. Every fear and apprehension he shared with me was something I expected to hear. I prophesied that he would be dealing with these emotions as he got closer to leaving about a year ago, when we started having debates about his sabbatical. I would "accuse" him of not really thinking his plan through, that he was going into it with naive eyes. Of course, Charles would be defensive and accuse of being a sheltered city girl, who lives in a capitalist bubble with no desire to know what is outside of myself. This was what we fought about constantly... rooted mainly in his arrogance that he thinks he's the only one with worldly views.

(I was telling Crose that Charles and I never fought about basic relationship pettiness, like jealousy [what's the point?], our arguments had to do with morals, ethics, world views, spirituality, right/wrong--- meaty, conscientious topics that were more theory, than anything purely concrete. I don't know what that says about us, but it I think we were more evolved and highly aware about our roles in the universe. Insightful is the word.)

I don't have any sympathies towards Charles' feelings of fear and self-doubt. I think this is a piece of humble pie that he needs to swallow.  As always I will be there to "hold him up" as his best friend, but I will not try to salve his wounds with words of comfort. My opinion is to face your emotions head on, let them wash over you, embrace the feeling and allow them to pass in their own time. It will temper your heart and soul to experience feelings of discomfort. It is necessary for growth. 


Enough about what he's going through, but what am I feeling of this transition?  As separate as I am from him and the emotions of "missing" him, I am having my own metamorphosis that will be at completion with Charles' departure. I feel that when I see him off, it will be just what I need to move on, move forward with my own life. Even though my loving/romantic feelings have waned to non-existent, there is just something that keeps me from really being open to dating other men. Maybe that Charles represents safety, comfort, kind of like "home," and that when the idea of getting to know a whole knew person, investing time and emotion, it seems all for naught--- just tiring with no guarantees. So I rely upon my "Old Yeller," Charles for my male companionship. And it's just companionship, no underlying current of sexual tension, whatsoever.... You know how I know I'd never go there, because a couple months back, I smelled him and his body chemistry just repulsed me. It's the same smell I use to bath in night-in, night-out that now every fiber in my body rejects. 


As we lead up to his venture and my liberation, I know that he desires to spend a lot of time with me. All next week he has plans for us during the day. Friday is his going away party. Saturday I leave for Boston/NY. I will be back on Tuesday... Charles even worked it out that he would stay in LA one more day to make sure he sees me one last time (he was suppose to leave that Tuesday which meant we'd miss each other). I will give him what he needs, because it is EASY to.

On June 3rd, I will awake and see if I feel any different.

Charles and I had a good run at it. On to the next one.