The month is drawing to a close

It's been an amazing, indulgent 35+ days. It all started with my trip to the East Coast... uh, rewind, it was the evening previous: Charles' going away party. And I've said yes to me all month. I've had some really good times with good people. I am so blessed.

Now it's time to cleanse the body; eat clean, cut back on the alcohol (not stop-just cut back!!!) and sleep at a decent time of the night with enough hours... Just reset my body.

Tonight I'm going to bottle rock with Dakota, then I have a last hooray dinner on Wednesday with some more lovers at Church and State. I will definitely not be holding back that night- last night in June- I will be partaking in everything that arrives to the table.

I've manage to put on 6 pounds of weight in a month. I'm a champ! It will all be off by mid next week. I'm going to be strict Paleo-zone and no alcohol. That shit will fall right off of me. I still have a crazy obsession about getting below 100 pounds. I have no idea why. I just want it. And when I want something, I go after it. I'm going to do it.

I have to be more diligent about tracking what I eat. I use to be sooo good at it.

To start the day:

3 eggs
1 bell pepper
1/2 avocado

I'll add more later tonight...

***Update***

1 cup of Cherries
3 oz Onion tart
1/2 Grilled Cheese
4 oz Lamb cheeks

I didn't eat enough today. I feel lethargic and "weak."

Blessings

I’ve been 30 years old for, oh, about 9 hours now and the desire to nest and have a baby has really gone into over drive. It wasn’t but 24 hours ago I was singing the praises of the many forms of the opposite sex. And now, the biological drive for monogamy and procreating is pulsing through my veins. I’m tired of trying to control any of it.  With modern medicine, I could have children way into my 40s. But would I want to be in my 40s with young children?  Oy.

Today is the day of my birth, the day I took my own first breath. Well, maybe not. I was born with complications; I think I was put on a respirator. I overcame a lot to be here today, says my mother. Statistically, I should have perished. 

I’m in a lovely place in my life. I’m actually at a bend in my road, but I’m excited for what ‘s to come. I don’t know what that is quite yet, but the mystery has me intrigued. I know what I want, but I’m also open to what I don’t know what I want… yet :D

So my party was fun. That’s what the attendees say. What do I think? I don’t really have a feeling about it. I’m sad that I passed out in the middle of it. I guess the shots hit me hard. And the champagne, and the rum, and the sake.  I wish I had more of my own memories and recollections. I have been piecing my night together by what others have told me. I feel really blessed that so many of my old and new friends were able to be present. I wish Carla’s “driver” didn’t get tired and she could have stayed longer, like she has done in my birthday’s past. I felt like she wanted to stay.

I’m glad Alice and Eddie had a good time. They are soooo keen.

Marissa and Cher. They are good together.

And of course new Crossft friends. What can I say? I’m so lucky. I really am. To have found true friends this “late” life.  Not every one of them has pure hearts, but they all act with good-heartedness. I’m perplexed that Patrick didn’t show up. I figure he’s going through some healing. Or he’s back with Olivia and is ashamed to share it with me since I told him my piece of mind of how I think she’s “abusing” him. You don’t break up with someone to figure out if you want to be with him or her. Maybe when you’re like in college and there are many dating options out there. Which kind of brings me to the conclusion that maybe she had another suitor in the wings. One only acts with 2 motivators: FEAR or LOVE. And she’s obviously acting in fear. I know Patrick believes he loves her (or at least loves what he knows of her) and wants to give her her chances… but I don’t feel good about how she is hot and cold with him. It’s a cycle of abuse.

If you truly, truly care about someone, you are present and available; you don’t pull away to figure it out. I was just having this conversation with C-rose.  Both of us are traditional women, with traditional values. The men lead. If a man is interested in getting to know you, he will “rise to the top;” he will seek you out, and desire your companionship.  Once the lead is established, it is then the lady’s turn to reciprocate, if it so moves her.  The dance of courtship is a complicated one. I don’t have it figured out by any means. I have my values and I’m steadfast in them.  I know my worth. I will not settle.

Zeb and I were talking about what we’re attracted to in the opposite sex, and his response was, “I don’t get to choose. I don’t know whom I’m going to be attracted to until I meet that person.” It was simple yet insightful. And he’s right.  I’ve never chosen whom I’ve had that energy with. You just lock eyes and know.  It’s an amazing phenomenon. Those feelings in the pit of your stomach, the headiness,  that floaty feeling; all the things going around you seem to blur as your attention is locked into that one person.  Your pupils dilate, your mouth opens slightly, as you catch your breath. Those feelings, chemical and biological reactions, are so strong that sometimes you can’t look into their eyes cause it’s too much.


If they look into my eyes they will betray me and reveal all that I’m feeling.

I’m still a romantic at heart. 

Stream of consciousness

I'm really sad that I didn't get to Crossfit today. You know when you're expectations are not met, and you're let down, that's how I feel. My plans for the day were to shop for a Japanese themed event with Chef John in Little Tokyo; then head to the garment district to shop for the outfit I plan to wear to my birthday party. After that I was going to do AMRAP front squats, pull ups and double unders.  But yesterday, I get a call late in the afternoon from Zeni, saying that she needed my help with the proposal she was making in front of the board of directors at Hard Rock Hotel in LV. She planned to drive into LA so we can meet to make revisions and clean up the 84 page proposal. She'd be at the office after lunch. Of course, I obliged and nixed my own endeavors.

I ended up spending a grueling 7 hours pouring over 84 pages of dribble. I edited it down to 81 pages, and checked and cross checked all the facts, and corrected all gramatical errors. I left the office close to 10PM.

So, I missed what looked like an awesome workout. Tomorrow's WOD is deadlifts, yay! Just yesterday I was telling David that I felt like we hadn't had a straight heavy deadlift day, and lo n' behold, the Universe heard my cry and gave me deadlifts. I want to set a new PR. I have record that I lifted 145#, but I don't believe it, I think it's a typo. I think my true single rep max PR is 135#. I'd be happy to do 140#.  I'm determined to go to the 10AM class, then jet back to Little Tokyo to pick all the bowls and sake cups we ordered today, then off to Dreamworks to be the Sushi chef for the day.

Friday, I'm a guest on Kababayan LA, a show on the "Asian" public access network, reppin' Azukar Organics. We film at 11AM and I'm not quite sure how long it's going to last.

So tomorrow might be my last work out of the week. I will try my best to go to Friday 6:30. Saturday I want to attend Crossfit 101, but I think I'll opt to get my hair did in the morning. My stylist, Toshiro, is out of town, I think back in Japan, so I'm not sure if I trust any of the other stylist there. We'll see.

Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah.

See, when I don't crossfit my energy levels are in the tank.

Birthday party. I'm haven't really thought about it. I'm just really excited to see people I haven't seen in a long time. Like Carla, Alice, Heather. Even Nate. We had a secret lunch last Wednesday. He pretty much told me, "Don't tell Heather I'm out with you." 9 years later and he still has to sneak around to hang out with his sister. Makes me fuckin' sick, I tell ya.

Life is good. I'm happy. I love everyone.

I'm a cold hearted snake, look into my eyes

I just hung up the phone. It was Charles. I answered the call with concern, "Is everything alright?"
He said no, and started to fall apart into sobs. I became worried. He hates it there. I let him cry. I felt a lump in my throat build, but not for what you think... I was stifling a laugh. As I felt the chuckle bubble up from my diaphragm, I thought, "I'm going to hell." It is soooo unlike me to react with such mercilessness. I'd like to think I have a vast capacity for empathy and compassion. My reaction was organic and real, and I couldn't predict that that was how I was going to react. Charles never heard me laugh. I said only soothing words. He hung up comforted, I believe. And that, is loving kindness.

Oh funny story: I spent the day cooking at Dreamworks. There are 2 student interns doing their mandatory internship to complete their culinary program. One of them being "Tom," whom I later find out is the Vice President of Dreamworks' life partner. Sizing him up, "Tom" seems competent; fast learner, takes direction well, and has a keen palate for seasoning. The team of us, execute a formal luncheon for 40ppl of tomato/mozz stack salad, surf and turf, and berry shortbread trifle.

The vegetarian option was manicotti. Chef John is Italian from Sicily and his renditions of italian classics are DA BOMB-seriously! So when service was over, I could not wait to dig into the left over manicotti. I take one huge bite of the firm crepe and was hit with an overwhelming tanginess and strong soapy flavor. I immediately turned to John, and asked "Why does this taste hispanic?"

John tries a bite. His eyes go big and his forward crinkles, "Tom, did you use salsa on the manicotti thinking it was marinara?" The whole kitchen just busts up laughing. We served this shit to 3 vegetarians in room of studio executives.

Ahhhhh, I guess you had to be there.

(Ugh, Charles just called, again, to say good night. I'm Fucked.  I should just stop answering his phone calls. I'm not sure if I have that level of indifference in me....)

Event number 2, was later in the day and it was just  hors d'oeuvres. On the menu was sliders and John let me pick the slider o' da day. So I picked Avocado, Bacon and Chipotle Mayo on Kobe Beef and Hawaiian Rolls. They were deliciousness. Let me show you:

My stress has been lifted. I can once again focus on the simple things that bring me joy, like Crossfit. I can't wait to get back to the box tomorrow. The workout looks awesome. More practice working on my pull ups. I know I made a goal of doing an unassisted pull up by my birthday which is in less than 10 days; I may have to extend my deadline. That will be an awesome day. 

I ate pretty clean today: turkey breast, quinoa salad, apple, more turkey, kale and beet salad, cherries... and a bahn mi sandwich- ya, not so clean. The bahn mi was sooooooo delicious and yummy. 

It's going to be a glorious weekend. Sunday, I'll get to "confront" my former employer and go toe to toe with them at the Taste of the Nation event. Ok, so we're not going toe to toe, but I'm trying to channel peace and harmony when having to see my saboteurs on Sunday. There is still a bite to the thought of my unjustified firing. I would say 80% of me is healed; that part is really happy I no longer work for that company, so I'm trying to bring those thoughts to the surface. I should keep focus on why I am present at the event, which is to promote my products within the foodservice industry. I am in the midst of setting up a credit account with them to distribute my products, so everything will be rectified. 

Off to dream land...

"Would you want to marry a wicked man?"

"Well, I wouldn't marry anyone who was really wicked, but I think I'd like it if he could be wicked and wouldn't."  

Consequences

With the close of the 30 day Paleo Challenge, I think I've been over doing it with the indulgences. The past 3 days I've woken up with a bloated belly. Lethargy is a word that has become prominent in my mind. Like right now I feel really lazy. It's almost 10AM and I'm loafing around. Why do I feel guilty about it? I hardly loaf. (I like the word "loaf")

I do have 2 goals today: go through all my paperwork/mail on my desk and get rid of anything I don't need; and to do yesterday's WOD of 4 rounds of 400m run and 50 squats. I'll probably head out to the El Segundo High School track to do it. I don't have a stop watch so it won't be for time... which makes me wonder if it not timing myself will take out some urgency in my work, hmmm.

To the meat of what's on my mind... Charles leaves in about 10 days. It's pretty crazy. I know he's going through a lot of emotions about leaving. Feelings that I don't think he expected to encounter. He feels very alone, maybe a piece of him doesn't even want to go anymore. I was over at his place the other night and he seemed really lonely. I just had to pick something up and really just wanted to be in and out; when I tried to leave, he gave me this look and a slight whimper, so I stayed. I don't think he has a friends that he can really be vulnerable with except for me. I sensed his heart was heavy so I pressed him to speak his mind. Charles immediately starts crying. It moved me greatly, so I wrapped my arms around him and just let him cry as I held him.

I think it takes a lot for a man to put aside his bravado and be in a fragile state, so I was very aware of how tender I needed to be with him at that moment; to really listen and try to understand what he's battling with, to validate his emotions and lead him to make his own decisions. Every fear and apprehension he shared with me was something I expected to hear. I prophesied that he would be dealing with these emotions as he got closer to leaving about a year ago, when we started having debates about his sabbatical. I would "accuse" him of not really thinking his plan through, that he was going into it with naive eyes. Of course, Charles would be defensive and accuse of being a sheltered city girl, who lives in a capitalist bubble with no desire to know what is outside of myself. This was what we fought about constantly... rooted mainly in his arrogance that he thinks he's the only one with worldly views.

(I was telling Crose that Charles and I never fought about basic relationship pettiness, like jealousy [what's the point?], our arguments had to do with morals, ethics, world views, spirituality, right/wrong--- meaty, conscientious topics that were more theory, than anything purely concrete. I don't know what that says about us, but it I think we were more evolved and highly aware about our roles in the universe. Insightful is the word.)

I don't have any sympathies towards Charles' feelings of fear and self-doubt. I think this is a piece of humble pie that he needs to swallow.  As always I will be there to "hold him up" as his best friend, but I will not try to salve his wounds with words of comfort. My opinion is to face your emotions head on, let them wash over you, embrace the feeling and allow them to pass in their own time. It will temper your heart and soul to experience feelings of discomfort. It is necessary for growth. 


Enough about what he's going through, but what am I feeling of this transition?  As separate as I am from him and the emotions of "missing" him, I am having my own metamorphosis that will be at completion with Charles' departure. I feel that when I see him off, it will be just what I need to move on, move forward with my own life. Even though my loving/romantic feelings have waned to non-existent, there is just something that keeps me from really being open to dating other men. Maybe that Charles represents safety, comfort, kind of like "home," and that when the idea of getting to know a whole knew person, investing time and emotion, it seems all for naught--- just tiring with no guarantees. So I rely upon my "Old Yeller," Charles for my male companionship. And it's just companionship, no underlying current of sexual tension, whatsoever.... You know how I know I'd never go there, because a couple months back, I smelled him and his body chemistry just repulsed me. It's the same smell I use to bath in night-in, night-out that now every fiber in my body rejects. 


As we lead up to his venture and my liberation, I know that he desires to spend a lot of time with me. All next week he has plans for us during the day. Friday is his going away party. Saturday I leave for Boston/NY. I will be back on Tuesday... Charles even worked it out that he would stay in LA one more day to make sure he sees me one last time (he was suppose to leave that Tuesday which meant we'd miss each other). I will give him what he needs, because it is EASY to.

On June 3rd, I will awake and see if I feel any different.

Charles and I had a good run at it. On to the next one.