Wednesday, April 29, 2009

This I know for sure

I'm chemically imbalanced. It's a constant battle between my body and my own desires to have mental peace and clarity. I'm hardwired differently because of my drug use of the past, at least that's what I've convinced myself. I'm pretty sure I would be able to "deal" with things better if I were on a consistent medication to elevate my mood, to "balance the imbalance". I choose not to medicate; instead, I "manage" it the best I can by keeping busy to create a sense of fulfillment, never allowing myself to just be still because I have myself convinced that if I just be still the negative thoughts will take over. So I mask them with busyness. Of course, the things I occupy myself with are never truly satisfying, but only wear me thin... Soon enough I'm ready to give up, tired, dissatisfied, hopeless and mildly depressed. My lethargy kicks in, my drive is non-existent, and I'm chastising myself for letting it get this far.

At my lowest point, I stay in bed, don't eat, surf the internet for another job and start considering ways to cut my cost of living (like moving to another apt or downgrading my cell phone plan). I'm filled with self doubt and impending doom. My biggest fear is that I'll be found out... that someone is going to figure out that I don't have my shit together, the shame that accompanies that, then the guilt of knowing that my life isn't bad at all and my feelings of inadequacy are forms of weakness and I need to remedy myself of personal defects and MAN UP!

So it begins all over again, the cycle of disparagement, until I'm completely brow-beaten--- a meek, insecure shell of my true self.
I think I've been in denial about the truth of my chemical makeup. I've always been afraid to ask for help or need someone; it's the stubborn in me Matigas ang ulo.

A year and half ago I started having these "dark spells," it coincided with a break up. A few month later I noticed that it paralleled my menstrual cycle. My pMS was a deep depression. I was diagnosed with PMDD, Pre-menstrual dysphoric disorder, and was prescribed Yaz. Within 3 months my PMS was "normal," but other side effects were weight gain. When I started to feel better mentally I decided to take stop taking Yaz. Immediately I started having extreme mood swings, mostly anger and rage. I had to be put back on Yaz. I'm wondering if the efficacy is wearing off on my PMDD...

So the cat is out of the bag: I'm nothing but flesh and bone.

Monday, April 27, 2009

I think you should know

I dropped out of school.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

I don't want to be rich on paper, I want to rich in EXPERIENCE!!!!

I think I have Celiac Disease. The anemia, GI issues, GI bleeds, the eczema, the super bloat... I plan to call my Primary Care Physician to get a blood test done.

I'm very interested in taking up photography as a hobby. I lust the Canon EOS XTi. There are some on craigslist for less than $500, new unopened. That is what I want for my birthday.

I have gotten over my obsession with quitting or trying to get fired from my job. I looked out on the job listings and there is nothing out there that I have interest in doing AND for sure there are no listings that would even give me the personal freedom I have currently AND I really do not want to start all over again to get where I am financially.

I really need to start saving money. Every month I say "next month" and i never put away what I want. Instead, I "realize" that I need something or something big pops up, like new tires or brakes, that prevents me from putting away money. I have no discipline because I completely rely upon the next paycheck to come in. It's horrible. I wish I could live like this would be my last paycheck, I would rethink on some of my frivolous expenditures. But at the same time, I hear my Nanay saying, you can't take it with you. For example, I want to go to Hawaii for my birthday. I cannot justify not going just so I can save money. I want to experience life NOW. I don't want to be rich on paper I want to be rich in EXPERIENCE! So, yea, Charles and I are going to go away and bask in paradise. It will be worth every dollar I spend. Time spent with loved ones with the limited time we have on this earth has a bigger return of investment than some measly few percent the money would have made sitting in my bank account.

It's always YES to Lauren.