Wednesday, April 29, 2009

This I know for sure

I'm chemically imbalanced. It's a constant battle between my body and my own desires to have mental peace and clarity. I'm hardwired differently because of my drug use of the past, at least that's what I've convinced myself. I'm pretty sure I would be able to "deal" with things better if I were on a consistent medication to elevate my mood, to "balance the imbalance". I choose not to medicate; instead, I "manage" it the best I can by keeping busy to create a sense of fulfillment, never allowing myself to just be still because I have myself convinced that if I just be still the negative thoughts will take over. So I mask them with busyness. Of course, the things I occupy myself with are never truly satisfying, but only wear me thin... Soon enough I'm ready to give up, tired, dissatisfied, hopeless and mildly depressed. My lethargy kicks in, my drive is non-existent, and I'm chastising myself for letting it get this far.

At my lowest point, I stay in bed, don't eat, surf the internet for another job and start considering ways to cut my cost of living (like moving to another apt or downgrading my cell phone plan). I'm filled with self doubt and impending doom. My biggest fear is that I'll be found out... that someone is going to figure out that I don't have my shit together, the shame that accompanies that, then the guilt of knowing that my life isn't bad at all and my feelings of inadequacy are forms of weakness and I need to remedy myself of personal defects and MAN UP!

So it begins all over again, the cycle of disparagement, until I'm completely brow-beaten--- a meek, insecure shell of my true self.
I think I've been in denial about the truth of my chemical makeup. I've always been afraid to ask for help or need someone; it's the stubborn in me Matigas ang ulo.

A year and half ago I started having these "dark spells," it coincided with a break up. A few month later I noticed that it paralleled my menstrual cycle. My pMS was a deep depression. I was diagnosed with PMDD, Pre-menstrual dysphoric disorder, and was prescribed Yaz. Within 3 months my PMS was "normal," but other side effects were weight gain. When I started to feel better mentally I decided to take stop taking Yaz. Immediately I started having extreme mood swings, mostly anger and rage. I had to be put back on Yaz. I'm wondering if the efficacy is wearing off on my PMDD...

So the cat is out of the bag: I'm nothing but flesh and bone.

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