Saturday, June 04, 2011

I am a different person


4 Rds for time of:

10 Wall Balls

Run 100 meters with Med Ball

10 Med Ball Cleans

Run 100 meters with Med Ball

10 Med Ball Jump Overs, over and back is one repetition

Day 5 of WOD'ing. Body has been sore all week. Pushed to its limits. I just couldn't fathom taking a day off. Shit, I'm considering doing the monster of a WOD tomorrow morning... 


I want to get to the meat of my thoughts. After doing this grueling quadruplet I followed through with my plan to go to yoga taught by my lovely Mary Beth. In the midst of the class, feeling the long, taught sinews of my limbs, stretching and contracting with my breath, feeling challenged by the limitations of my body, I realized that I hardly recognized myself anymore. The core of me is very much still me, but what I'm doing with my life and how I approach life's journey is completely different. I always think back to the year prior to me finding crossfit. Not my physical body, but the person inside. I was a pessimist. I relied on fate, and if the outcome wasn't to my liking I blamed fate, not my own actions (or inactions) for it. I had a few chips on my shoulder. I really believed I could find happiness in a bottle (wine-, beer-, pill...). Breaking a sweat was NOT an option. I was afraid to leave my comfort zone; it caused me anxiety--- so I took a pill for that. I worried about shit I had no control over, and I loss sleep- so I took a pill for that. I would take things personally--- so I ate EVERYTHING for that. A bad day usually meant that I would drive 40 miles out my way to indulge in something, while decadent, was completely unhealthy. Then I wondered why I had acid reflux (I took a pill for that) and had inflamed skin (I applied a cream for that). Feeling sorry for myself, I would buy myself a new gadget to make myself feel better temporarily... Until that next person pisses me off and the cycle of indulgence and pity starts all over again. I was a miserable fuck. 

Ya, that's not me at all TODAY. I don't ever want to be that person ever again. I don't think I can be. I mean, I definitely am still a emotional eater, but all the other shit... I've reprogrammed myself. I don't know how to explain how or why doing crossfit changes your brain... You learn to negotiate challenges in your mind in a way that the outcome is what you desire. It's impossible to be a victim anymore. It's empowerment. Just from a doing workouts that seem impossible. I can barely put into words the changes in my brain chemistry, all I know is that I like it. 

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