Breakfast blog

I'm moved into my new place.

I realize that I love change. I actually thrive on it. When life gets into a routine I like to shake it up a bit. I really seek grand adventures, to travel the world. I want children someday, but I don't know where that all fits in. There are still so many things I want to do on my own before I'm tethered by the responsibility of motherhood.

I do feel really blessed, I like the trail I've blazed so far.

I think a few people think my move is a step backwards, but sometimes you have to forsake somethings to be able to make leaps and bounds. All I keep thinking is my move to NorCal in 2 years. I feel relieved that I have goals besides being some worker bee drone. It may satisfy some people, but the idea of working day in and day out just irritates me. Ironically, I sought stability, and once I've achieved it I want to relieve myself of having to maintain it. Aren't I a contradiction?

I do hope to find a partner who embodies the same spirit I have. I am not attracted to those who settle, romantic or platonic. Most whom settle bitch and moan, but do nothing to change it.

Leah says that I date men not on my intellectual level. She's probably right. She thinks that difference is the catalyst that lead to an eventual rift in my relationships. Not one man in my history can I say, "He's so intelligent. He has so much to teach me." Well, maybe Michael had that potential, but I guess we'll never know... I don't have closure with that. Unrequited love, I think, is more painful than love that has met its demise. I still carry this ache in my heart that is dull, yet constant. Do not mistake this ache for hope, those have been dashed a long time ago. But I don't know how to make the ache go away. I battle everyday to try to love Michael unconditionally, but it is very hard. So I'd rather just mask it.

I've felt that I've made impact on my lovers lives, expanding their horizons, teaching them through my eyes. Even if it means just means showing them tolerance and patience in how I treat them. I can honestly take the credit for showing most how to communicate... how to "fight" properly. Eli was the worst in the beginning. He always threatened to leave, but when the first time he tried it and I didn't try to stop him or wasn't going to chase after him, he realized that threat had no power in my home. If he was frustrated he would take the time to cool off, rehearse what he wanted to say then deliver it in a calm manner. It was quite amazing to witness him evolve that way.

Carla's mom hasn't passed away yet. It's long drawn out death. It's horrible. She is not at peace with her mortality.

I'm hungry...

Bleeding vagina liberal

Today I have Math and English Assessment tests required by the college if one hasn't been in school over 5 years. I haven't taken a "test" in years, and after overcoming many real world challenges (like closing quarter million dollar deals) one would think a placement test would be a non anxiety provoking task... but I feel like I'm in 11th grade all over again, the feeling of dread seeming to grow and multiply within as the seconds of the day tick away.

I wonder if I can bring a calculator to the math test.

New York Institute of Technology is the DEVIL. Yes, Satan himself, tangibly formed into buildings, offices and all those satanic souls found in those offices. They are withholding my transcript because it on their record that I registered and attended classes in the Spring of 2000, all the while residing in one of the many run down campus dorms. This statement is fantastical and unfounded. You see, January 2000 I had voluntarily admitted myself into an out patient rehabilitation program for drug and substance abuse.

YES, Lindsay Lohan, I made Rehab cool before you had even started your menses.

NY Tech is seeking almost $10K from me. Holding my transcripts hostage for $10K! How does one charge for a dorm room that no one even lived in? How do you charge for classes that I never enrolled in? Hmmmmmmm?

Yesterday, I did go to my "alma mater"-- Inter-Agency for Drug Abuse Program (I-Adarp). My intention is to obtain my entire treatment history to be proof to the Devil that it is impossible that I was student living on campus and attending classes.

We'll see.

Lots of TV action last night, my DVR was doing double duty: The Debate, Game 5, and Project Runway finale.

Who won? Who should've won? And is she a one trick pony?

Lazy

Here's my entry for the day:


I want to eat this monster.

The necessaries

On another matter... I've really let myself go, specifically regarding some of the basic female pamperings: Pedicure/Manicure, Eyebrows and the scaping of the Vag. I have no idea why I've taken a back seat to grooming. I don't want to you read that I'm dirty or unkempt... just less polished, I guess.
It's like I need a visit from the Homos from Queer Eye for the Hetero Girl. I'm trying to figure out why the detachment to primping and preening that I've ritualized since I was 14 years old.

Am I trying to deflect any unwanted attentions from the opposite sex? Hardly does a unruly brow or a snaggle toe prevent a man from wanting to be inside of a vagina... maybe this is my stance on how the superficiality of LA will NOT dictate how I will present myself.

Or maybe I'm just lazy. And I don't give a fuck.

New Platform: Big Bushes are back in! Au natural for 2009.

On that note....

Day 1

So I thought I would keep this blog to jot down how my dreams, desires, frustrations all evolve with impacting circumstances such as my career, my family, my love life...

This shall be interesting.